Cat.
There are people who make drama out of everything in the universe - real drama, like panic attacks and hyperventilation and shit - and there are people like you. So I don't think you need to think of your hurt in terms of less-than. Do you know what I mean? Yes, there are probably bigger problems in the universe, but you - as a non-continuous dramamaker - are allowed to be sad when things don't go the way you thought they would. Nobody will begrudge you a little bit of disappointed crying. If it goes on for eighty hours or you've done something stupid, well then that's different. But for now: it is okay for you to be sad.
And I won't be mad at him, lady. He seems like a much better specimen of manliness than the majority of 'em.
Though it does irritate me that he hurt you. And if you change your mind I'll explode into the Rageosaurus Em and go after him with my freshly sharpened talons.
Love,
Em
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
On non-bf's.
Em,
I feel like a total shit head re: my current sitch with Steely Dan.
And then I start crying about it for a total of 30 seconds because I am fucking sad, yo.
And THEN I feel even more like a shit head because people have problems so much worse than dating a guy who acts like he wants to be your bf and then tells you otherwise. SO MUCH WORSE. You know what I mean.
Can I just post the conversation? It has been happening via text message since this morning because I made a stupid gf comment.
SD: I just look at it as we are hanging out. I'm not sure what I am going to do with my life. I may move, I may not, but the commitment of a full blown girlfriend I don't think is a good idea. I have fun with you and you do a lot for me which I appreciate. I just can't make any commitments.
Cat: That is completely lame, you know that, right? That kinda makes me feel like an idiot.
SD: Well, I'm sorry, was not my intention. Just figured we were kind of on the same page you going to Portland and all.
Cat: I'm not leaving til Feb.
SD: I really don't want to do this, you asked me a question and I gave you an honest answer. Best I can do for you.
Cat: Do what even? I just don't want to be known as some random girl you're hooking up with. That makes me feel like *girl at work* AKA trash, you know?
SD: Yes, I understand and I am not trying to treat you like that. Maybe we shouldn't mess around anymore when we hang out.
Cat: No I don't want that. Sex or no sex isn't going to change the feelings. And we're having fun and enjoying each others company. I don't know, I feel like a total ass.
SD: I knew this was going to happen. I knew going in that I wasn't looking for a deep long term relationship. I thought we talked about that awhile back. Either way, I do like having you come around and do enjoy your company. That is really all I can tell you.
Cat: We didn't talk about it. I guess we should have. I know you do, and I feel the same way. I just really don't want to be that girl. That's my problem not yours though, I suppose. Just the way you act though, seems like it was heading in that direction. Sorry for assuming.
Reading over that makes me want to gouge my eyes out. It sounds so stupid and trivial. Please don't be mad at him, he didn't do anything wrong, except for assume that I felt the same way as him, but I am guilty of that, too. It's just that last night, we were arguing about something stupid, and I made him feel kind of bad about it, and when we got back to the room, he kissed me and said "hey, let's talk about this. Let's make it work. Let's figure it out so it's good." I've never known someone to treat a girl so nicely when they have no intentions of anything that's not very serious. As a matter of fact, I've never even been treated as well by a guy I've been serious with. This is shitty.
I might cry a little. Don't tell anyone. My instincts right now are telling me to run. And drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol.
Cat
I feel like a total shit head re: my current sitch with Steely Dan.
And then I start crying about it for a total of 30 seconds because I am fucking sad, yo.
And THEN I feel even more like a shit head because people have problems so much worse than dating a guy who acts like he wants to be your bf and then tells you otherwise. SO MUCH WORSE. You know what I mean.
Can I just post the conversation? It has been happening via text message since this morning because I made a stupid gf comment.
SD: I just look at it as we are hanging out. I'm not sure what I am going to do with my life. I may move, I may not, but the commitment of a full blown girlfriend I don't think is a good idea. I have fun with you and you do a lot for me which I appreciate. I just can't make any commitments.
Cat: That is completely lame, you know that, right? That kinda makes me feel like an idiot.
SD: Well, I'm sorry, was not my intention. Just figured we were kind of on the same page you going to Portland and all.
Cat: I'm not leaving til Feb.
SD: I really don't want to do this, you asked me a question and I gave you an honest answer. Best I can do for you.
Cat: Do what even? I just don't want to be known as some random girl you're hooking up with. That makes me feel like *girl at work* AKA trash, you know?
SD: Yes, I understand and I am not trying to treat you like that. Maybe we shouldn't mess around anymore when we hang out.
Cat: No I don't want that. Sex or no sex isn't going to change the feelings. And we're having fun and enjoying each others company. I don't know, I feel like a total ass.
SD: I knew this was going to happen. I knew going in that I wasn't looking for a deep long term relationship. I thought we talked about that awhile back. Either way, I do like having you come around and do enjoy your company. That is really all I can tell you.
Cat: We didn't talk about it. I guess we should have. I know you do, and I feel the same way. I just really don't want to be that girl. That's my problem not yours though, I suppose. Just the way you act though, seems like it was heading in that direction. Sorry for assuming.
Reading over that makes me want to gouge my eyes out. It sounds so stupid and trivial. Please don't be mad at him, he didn't do anything wrong, except for assume that I felt the same way as him, but I am guilty of that, too. It's just that last night, we were arguing about something stupid, and I made him feel kind of bad about it, and when we got back to the room, he kissed me and said "hey, let's talk about this. Let's make it work. Let's figure it out so it's good." I've never known someone to treat a girl so nicely when they have no intentions of anything that's not very serious. As a matter of fact, I've never even been treated as well by a guy I've been serious with. This is shitty.
I might cry a little. Don't tell anyone. My instincts right now are telling me to run. And drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol.
Cat
Friday, June 20, 2008
On my future lover.
Em,
SEE. I told you, I just needed 24 hours to be a crazy ass female.
Things are back to normal and I feel great about Steely Dan again! He loves me and wants to marry me...
...or something like that.
Hehehe! I want to call you and chat about it with you. But I think you are still hanging out with your fam, so that may have to wait. Gym tomorrow?
Cat
PS OKAY and now I am done posting about SD for awhile because I feel like you hate this blog now that all I write about is him. HA! I'll write about SD in my personal secret blog. Which by the way, I think I will share with you someday soon.
SEE. I told you, I just needed 24 hours to be a crazy ass female.
Things are back to normal and I feel great about Steely Dan again! He loves me and wants to marry me...
...or something like that.
Hehehe! I want to call you and chat about it with you. But I think you are still hanging out with your fam, so that may have to wait. Gym tomorrow?
Cat
PS OKAY and now I am done posting about SD for awhile because I feel like you hate this blog now that all I write about is him. HA! I'll write about SD in my personal secret blog. Which by the way, I think I will share with you someday soon.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
On mixed emotions.
Em,
Today was not a good day for the continuing Cat and Steely Dan romance. Aside from the talk of him moving and me being confused, I just had a text conversation with him that went like this:
Cat: Don't play vids tonight and come have a drink with me at 7 PM.
SD: I can't, I have work in the morning.
Cat: I do, too. Don't lie, you wouldn't go do other things on a vid night.
SD: Then why ask?
Cat: Just wanted to confirm that, I guess.
I feel all anti SD right now, so I guess I can say this without feeling too bad: Even though I know SD and I are not actually together, the fact that he would not put me before his vids does not give me a lot of faith for our future as friends. No, by friends I mean "more than that", I'll just say it. Don't you lose faith in him and turn against him like I am, I just need this one evening to be annoyed and a little bit insane thinking about a future with someone I barely even know. Tomorrow I will go back to normal. In the meantime, I am going to go drink some bourbon and write some more poetry.
Cat
Today was not a good day for the continuing Cat and Steely Dan romance. Aside from the talk of him moving and me being confused, I just had a text conversation with him that went like this:
Cat: Don't play vids tonight and come have a drink with me at 7 PM.
SD: I can't, I have work in the morning.
Cat: I do, too. Don't lie, you wouldn't go do other things on a vid night.
SD: Then why ask?
Cat: Just wanted to confirm that, I guess.
I feel all anti SD right now, so I guess I can say this without feeling too bad: Even though I know SD and I are not actually together, the fact that he would not put me before his vids does not give me a lot of faith for our future as friends. No, by friends I mean "more than that", I'll just say it. Don't you lose faith in him and turn against him like I am, I just need this one evening to be annoyed and a little bit insane thinking about a future with someone I barely even know. Tomorrow I will go back to normal. In the meantime, I am going to go drink some bourbon and write some more poetry.
Cat
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
On hiatuses. Hiati?
Hey there, Cat.
Sorry about all that delay. I've had, you know, the exact same amount of crap to do as I always do. So no excuses are effective in this instance! Except hey, I think I pulled something in my abs when we worked out that last time - because the intermittent pain I'm experiencing is a sonnnnnnnnofabitch and it's different than the rib-pain that happens with the breathing thing.
So, I've been thinking about your post, On love and marriage, and I have some respondin' to do.
I talked to my little sister, who is in a very similar situation to Charlie. I think they're both in love with love - the idea of the fairy-tale romance is so very appealing that neither of them recognize the true and real work it takes to maintain a lasting relationship. It's the same with Liesl, I think. They want so badly to fit the mold... they want the sort of lifestyle that evokes picket fences and sunday dinners and peaceful sleeping babies. Without realizing that you need to repair that fence and make that dinner and get to peaceful sleep after seven hours of non-stop crying and trying to change diapers without getting the poop everywhere, and then you want nothing but to crash but your husband isn't home yet, he's out spending all the money you earned.
MARRIAGE is WORK. And it doesn't always work. What's the major difference between a good, long-term dating relationship and a marriage? Nothing, but for tax purposes.
I think Liesl looks for the security involved in changing her name - she's said to me that it'd be 'harder to get rid of her'. (Though why anybody would want to 'get rid of her' is beyond me.)
Maybe Charlie is the same? Maybe my little sister has a similar worldview? I also think she doesn't have enough to fill her time - she's spending a lot of reflection energy on the things that she perceives are missing from her experience. And you know what? It's missing from my experience, too. But I'm not going to actively seek it 'cause goddamn - I'm busy!
Whatev. Now I'm feeling all jaded.
Your cranky grandma friend,
Em
Sorry about all that delay. I've had, you know, the exact same amount of crap to do as I always do. So no excuses are effective in this instance! Except hey, I think I pulled something in my abs when we worked out that last time - because the intermittent pain I'm experiencing is a sonnnnnnnnofabitch and it's different than the rib-pain that happens with the breathing thing.
So, I've been thinking about your post, On love and marriage, and I have some respondin' to do.
I talked to my little sister, who is in a very similar situation to Charlie. I think they're both in love with love - the idea of the fairy-tale romance is so very appealing that neither of them recognize the true and real work it takes to maintain a lasting relationship. It's the same with Liesl, I think. They want so badly to fit the mold... they want the sort of lifestyle that evokes picket fences and sunday dinners and peaceful sleeping babies. Without realizing that you need to repair that fence and make that dinner and get to peaceful sleep after seven hours of non-stop crying and trying to change diapers without getting the poop everywhere, and then you want nothing but to crash but your husband isn't home yet, he's out spending all the money you earned.
MARRIAGE is WORK. And it doesn't always work. What's the major difference between a good, long-term dating relationship and a marriage? Nothing, but for tax purposes.
I think Liesl looks for the security involved in changing her name - she's said to me that it'd be 'harder to get rid of her'. (Though why anybody would want to 'get rid of her' is beyond me.)
Maybe Charlie is the same? Maybe my little sister has a similar worldview? I also think she doesn't have enough to fill her time - she's spending a lot of reflection energy on the things that she perceives are missing from her experience. And you know what? It's missing from my experience, too. But I'm not going to actively seek it 'cause goddamn - I'm busy!
Whatev. Now I'm feeling all jaded.
Your cranky grandma friend,
Em
Sunday, June 15, 2008
On the heimlich manuever.
Em,
We had a pretty relaxing afternoon here at mi casa today. I enjoyed quite a few glasses of sangria, and made up a bunch of delish kabobs for fathers day dinner. After finishing a movie, I helped my mom grill up all the food, and looked forward to enjoying my bbq tofu and veggies. The grill was turned off, the wine was thoroughly chilled, and we had just dug into our feast. I was sprinkling my veggies with freshy ground pepper when I heard my dad say to my mom, "are you okay?" I looked over my shoulder to see my mom set her plate down on the side table and stand up from the couch. She was making a hideous noise, and the red face gave it away: she was choking. My dad jumped up behind her as she bent over the edge of the couch, and just kind of pulled onto her stomach. It wasn't working and after a few quick jerks, I rudely (though, not really because it was like, an emergency) pushed him out of the way and took over. All those years of first aid classes have pretty much burned the heimlich manuever into my brain and I positioned my hands and went for it.
My dad, thoroughly confused and clearly not as used to emergency situations as I am, grabbed the phone, turned it on, and without taking his eyes off us the whole time, set it back down again on the receiver. I was like "just cough, mom" and she finally did. If you've ever learned the heimlich, you know you are not supposed to continue if someone is coughing, but she insisted. She coughed up some shit, and eventually was able to catch enough breath to tell us it was going down and that it was okay.
I offered to cut up her steak for her, and to get her a swallow eval from OT at work. Haha. But needless to say, that whole situation was quite the natural appetite suppresant. Suddenly I was left with a plate of tofu and veggies that I quickly packed into tuppewear and stashed in the fridge. I'm sticking with sangria for the rest of the night. HA!
Happy fathers day. I'm glad both our mom's are still conscious.
cat
We had a pretty relaxing afternoon here at mi casa today. I enjoyed quite a few glasses of sangria, and made up a bunch of delish kabobs for fathers day dinner. After finishing a movie, I helped my mom grill up all the food, and looked forward to enjoying my bbq tofu and veggies. The grill was turned off, the wine was thoroughly chilled, and we had just dug into our feast. I was sprinkling my veggies with freshy ground pepper when I heard my dad say to my mom, "are you okay?" I looked over my shoulder to see my mom set her plate down on the side table and stand up from the couch. She was making a hideous noise, and the red face gave it away: she was choking. My dad jumped up behind her as she bent over the edge of the couch, and just kind of pulled onto her stomach. It wasn't working and after a few quick jerks, I rudely (though, not really because it was like, an emergency) pushed him out of the way and took over. All those years of first aid classes have pretty much burned the heimlich manuever into my brain and I positioned my hands and went for it.
My dad, thoroughly confused and clearly not as used to emergency situations as I am, grabbed the phone, turned it on, and without taking his eyes off us the whole time, set it back down again on the receiver. I was like "just cough, mom" and she finally did. If you've ever learned the heimlich, you know you are not supposed to continue if someone is coughing, but she insisted. She coughed up some shit, and eventually was able to catch enough breath to tell us it was going down and that it was okay.
I offered to cut up her steak for her, and to get her a swallow eval from OT at work. Haha. But needless to say, that whole situation was quite the natural appetite suppresant. Suddenly I was left with a plate of tofu and veggies that I quickly packed into tuppewear and stashed in the fridge. I'm sticking with sangria for the rest of the night. HA!
Happy fathers day. I'm glad both our mom's are still conscious.
cat
On cash money.
Em,
Somehow last night we ended up swapping our debit cards. I remember at the last bar, our waitress said your name as she handed you your check, so I guess I just assumed I had the right one, and didn't look. As I was in the line at Safeway this morning, purchasing fruit and ginger ale for the delicious sangria I just made, I noticed that the card in my normal debit slot did not look familiar. Sure enough---swapped! Thank god you had mine and it is not being used for making illegal purchases right now.
Steely Dan has called me five times today. The first time he was still at work, and I think he just got lonely and missed me. Hehe. He said they were doing kegstands with the old folks down on my side of the building today, which I thought was hilarious, especially when he referenced this rather large resident of mine who he said was participating. IF ONLY the old folks actually were doing kegstands, that would make my job (and my life in general) so much more exciting. I am waiting for him to call me for the 6th time, because he invited me to come to the driving range for a bit with him but he had to go abruptly. Whatever. I was just confused as to why he would pay ten dollars for balls when he already has free ones. I don't get it. HA.
That was ultra lame, I'm sorry. I'll blame it on the fat burner. Ohh, speaking of which, I need to take some more. Do you think that will go well with alcohol? HA. See you soon!
Cat
Somehow last night we ended up swapping our debit cards. I remember at the last bar, our waitress said your name as she handed you your check, so I guess I just assumed I had the right one, and didn't look. As I was in the line at Safeway this morning, purchasing fruit and ginger ale for the delicious sangria I just made, I noticed that the card in my normal debit slot did not look familiar. Sure enough---swapped! Thank god you had mine and it is not being used for making illegal purchases right now.
Steely Dan has called me five times today. The first time he was still at work, and I think he just got lonely and missed me. Hehe. He said they were doing kegstands with the old folks down on my side of the building today, which I thought was hilarious, especially when he referenced this rather large resident of mine who he said was participating. IF ONLY the old folks actually were doing kegstands, that would make my job (and my life in general) so much more exciting. I am waiting for him to call me for the 6th time, because he invited me to come to the driving range for a bit with him but he had to go abruptly. Whatever. I was just confused as to why he would pay ten dollars for balls when he already has free ones. I don't get it. HA.
That was ultra lame, I'm sorry. I'll blame it on the fat burner. Ohh, speaking of which, I need to take some more. Do you think that will go well with alcohol? HA. See you soon!
Cat
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